"The Story of My Life, haha" by Eszter CoombsMy name is Yolanda Violet Koprinski Martín. I was born on the first Monday of December of the year that I was born in a room in a house that was dark. A little after that, my father built a flying machine and flew into a bus on the highway leading out of the city. My mother cried for five years until we walked around up to our ankles in tears and I couldn’t take it anymore. On the eve of the anniversary of my birth I left and married a short man with a large beard. I called him Bobo, but his name was Hugo. Hugo ran away with a woman who taught him yoyo tricks behind the public toilets in the square every Saturday. I gave birth to his baby the week after. He was little and red and had big ears. I pinched his ears and kissed him. Then he shrivelled up and his ears grew bigger and bigger until they sucked all the oxygen from the rest of his body and he could no longer breathe and he died.
I began work as a lollipop lady, which brought me immense joy. I was fired because I turned up painted blue on one occasion and a mother complained. The headmaster was so disappointed. His eyes drooped. I retired to a little room in my house that was so, so dark. My uncle Roger came to visit. He told me he was going to Neptune and asked me if I wanted to come. I laughed and I shook my head and smiled over my Maltese lacework. Then I waved him off. Neptune is such a long way. Two days later I died. It was the first Tuesday of March of the year that I died. That is the story of my life, haha.
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