"House Census" by Leah BaxterSprinkle salt on the threshold of each door and window. Or garlic powder. Or, hell, cilantro. It’s not an exact science. What would scare you off?
Having done that, wait. Wait awake three nights like the boy who didn’t know what fear was. If the temperature begins to flail and plummet then you, like the boy, may expect some company. It is crucial, however, that you, also like the boy, do not react to this. You may feel some stirring in the air around your home, despite no air actually stirring in your home. Accept this as normal, and go back to your newspaper or your television. (In most cases, this will not result in harm to either your newspaper or your television.) If you are patient, which you should be, because patience is virtuous and your soul must be pure, you will feel the stirring begin to localize around one part of your body. Most likely an orifice. Keep still. Perhaps, meditate. Dimming your individuality will make the process less painful. Wait. Wait. Wait. The waiting may seem interminable. This is because you have been partially separated from your physical body, and thus, being no longer spatiotemporally extended, you have a very limited sense of the passage of time. You may begin to acquaint yourself with your uninvited houseguest, or as you will perhaps soon prefer, “roommate.” It most likely means you no harm, which is good, because it will take over most of your duties as resident and housekeeper of the physical plane. If the temperature does not fall, the air does not stir, and a period of interminable waiting does not ensue, then congratulations! Your home is not presently occupied by inscrutable intelligent entities you will never see. Keep up the good work!
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