"Pseudo-Science-Fiction" by Scott SteensmaIn a pseudo-science-fiction universe, great pyramidal ships cross solar systems on pulsing tails of ancient Egyptian energy, leaping the void from star to star with the space-bending forces of Uri Geller drives.
On-board, advanced astrology scanners predict enemy movements, directing weaponized crystal vibrations that tear fleets to molecules and carve gouges into worlds. When the crystal cannons fall silent, brave warriors in foil helmets teleport to battle, rooting out experts, empiricists and other deviants while distributing relief supplies of goji berries and magnetic bracelets. As the galaxy shakes with war, brave, freethinking pseudo- scientists beat back terrifying alien plagues with spinal realignments, robotic Reiki-docs and last-ditch intravenous flower essences. The great thinkers of the era know that there is no problem in this bright future that cannot be solved with the skilled application of hard opinion. The triumphant forces of pseudo-science-fiction pity lesser universes, marveling at their inability to harness the exponential energies of homeopathic fuel and their refusal to acknowledge the autism-nanotech link. The mighty empires of pseudoscience plan expeditions to these other realities, hoping to bring light to worlds suffering under the tyranny of logic and evidence, sad places where only the possible, is possible.
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Shane Colin Foyster
12/9/2022 10:10:07 pm
Epilogue: After approximately thirty-four divine-light-emitting-years of courageously following the galactic energic winds of intuition, many pseudo-scientist light-warriors find themselves at a crossroads. One can see a flotilla of great pyramid ships of love bogged in swamps throughout the universe, their optimistic captains, Level 7 Masters of Reiki one and all, valiantly holding their hands over the engine, desperately hoping that one more intention will manifest the damn thing to start again. Their shoulders droop, sagging, burdened under the weight of the heavy metal crystals that protect them from unwanted energetic radiation. Unfortunately some, in response to this crisis of reality caused by the laws of physics, simply double down on their delusion, loading their vessels with yet more dense metal crystals, until they finally sink into the bog of insanity never to return. Others, helped by kind strangers who gently point out that gravity acts directly upon physical mass, finally surrender to the truth of their existence: they are middle aged, their only possessions are crystals, they cant explain how Reiki actually works, and they are broken down in a muddy bog because they forgot to put engine oil into their 1995 Toyota Corolla. And that sometimes, you just have to do shit that you hate. Like servicing the car.
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